There are many pivotal moments in the early stages of a relationship.
Each of these turning points represents a time when you and the person you’re seeing make the conscious decision to continue getting to know each other instead of going your separate ways.
One of the most important moments in any budding romance is the decision to ask someone for a second date.
If you’ve enjoyed your first meeting and could see yourself potentially building a future with the person you’re talking to, it is definitely worth asking them if they will go out with you again.
However, this can be a nerve-wracking step. Don’t feel bad if you feel uncertain about how to go about asking.
There is hardly anyone who feels completely confident asking for a second date.
Here are some pointers for how to approach asking someone out again after your first date.
How to ask for a second date
- Focus on your first date first
- Think about what you want
- Assess the chemistry
- Express how much you enjoyed the first date and why
- Be confident
- Compliment your date before asking them
- Suggest something specific
- Propose something active
- Organize something based on your date’s interests
- Don’t be too serious
- Don’t apply pressure
Before you jump right in and ask the person you’re seeing if they want to go on a second date with you, you need to take a moment to assess the situation.
Can you genuinely see things going somewhere? Do you have enough to say to each other?
Once you’ve established that you’re interested, assess how the first date has gone and consider whether the person you’ve been talking to seems to have enjoyed themselves.
Are they displaying behaviors that reveal romantic attraction, such as laughing at your jokes, and maintaining eye contact? If so, there’s a pretty good chance they’re into you too.
From there, it’s all about confidently suggesting getting together to do something you’ll both enjoy. Here is some detailed advice to keep in mind when you ask someone to go on a second date.
1. Focus on your first date first
Don’t spend your first date worrying about how you are going to ask the person you’re seeing for a second one. This may result in you seeming distracted. Instead, enjoy the moment and be present. Devote all your attention to getting to know the person in front of you.
Let’s imagine you walk into a bar where you have agreed to meet the girl who responded to your “What’s up?” message on Tinder with a witty comeback.
As soon as you see her, you know you’d like to see her again. She’s just giving off great energy and seems like a lovely person.
She’s funny and beautiful, and you are already fantasizing about saying, “I love you” for the first time at some point down the line.
Suddenly, before you’ve even ordered your drinks, all you can think about is how to ask her on a second date.
If this happens to you, hold your horses! There is no rush. If you are so worried about asking your date out again, you may seem nervous and appear distracted.
So, enjoy your first date for what it is and don’t jump the gun.
There will be plenty of time at the end of the date to ask the person you’re seeing if they want to get together again.
2. Think about what you want
After your first date, spend a bit of time thinking about whether this person is someone you would enjoy getting to know further. Consider whether you are compatible, whether you have a similar sense of humor and similar values, and then be honest with yourself about whether you are attracted to them.
If you are a loyal person who keeps your word and tends to put others first, it can be easy to ask someone on a second date simply because you know that it is expected of you. Don’t do this!
Ultimately, asking someone out because you feel a sense of obligation to do so is doing them an unkindness and will make you unhappy.
So, before you think about asking someone whether they want to get together again, honestly assess whether you want to see them again.
If the answer is yes, then proceed!
3. Assess the chemistry
Once you’ve determined that you want a second date, assess how the first date went and consider whether you had good chemistry. If the time you spent together was flirty and fun, and if you had good banter, then you should certainly ask for a second date.
You might be really into someone, but that doesn’t always mean that the feeling is mutual. Heck, people get all the way to declaring feelings for each other only for one person to do a full 180-degree turn and say, “I am not ready for a relationship.”
So, let’s just be clear. There is nothing worse than being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Imagine having the person you are deeply devoted to thinking about how to respond to “I love you” when you don’t feel the same. How bad would you feel if you knew that was the case?
Make sure before you ask someone out on a second date that they are giving you clear signals of their interest in you.
4. Express how much you enjoyed the first date and why
Before you ask someone for a second date, tell them what specifically you enjoyed about your first date and why you want to go for a second one. This will make it clear to them that you are genuinely interested in them as a potential romantic partner, which will make them more likely to say yes.
Anyone can ask anyone to go out again.
What makes an invitation to a second date special is when the person asking you is making you feel like they are genuinely fully invested in getting to know you and that they see real potential for a future.
Think about it. When would you be more likely to positively respond when someone asks you out.
Would it be when they tell you specifically what it is about your conversation that made them interested in how you think, or when they simply jump right in with, “So, do you wanna go out again, or what?”
The answer is obviously the first one.
5. Be confident
Approach asking someone on a second date with confidence. That doesn’t mean presumptuously assuming they will say yes. Instead, it means showing that you know what you want and that you aren’t afraid to ask for it. Appear relaxed and express yourself clearly.
If you feel nervous about asking someone on a second date, don’t think that you are somehow being cowardly. You’re just being human.
Putting yourself out there romantically is one of the hardest things to do and feeling a little anxious at the prospect of rejection just means you care.
And that’s a good thing.
There would be no point in asking someone out if you didn’t mind whether they said yes or no.
6. Compliment your date before asking them
Let the person you are asking out on a second date know why you want to keep seeing them. Tell them what about their personality or worldview you find attractive and compliment the connection you have. If there are any little quirks you especially like, mention these too.
While you shouldn’t over the top with expressing how incredibly much you want to see them and talk incessantly about how great you think they are––because this will creep them out––it is nice to let the person you’re asking out know what about them interests you.
People like it when someone says they appreciate you.
If they feel like you are really listening when they talk and are genuinely interested in a potential future with them, this in and of itself will be an attractive quality about you.
7. Suggest something specific
Suggest a concrete time and place to meet to do a specific activity together. The worst way to ask someone out is to vaguely suggest getting together again at some point in the future. Be clear about what you want so that all the other person has to do is say yes.
While it is fine after a first date to ask someone if they would like to see you again, you should follow this up the following day with a specific suggestion for a plan.
One thing that is often highly attractive is when the person doing the asking out says that they will take care of the details of the date.
It is also often easier for one person to just put a plan in place than for both people to um and ah back and forth about what to do.
8. Propose doing something active
Suggest an activity that involves getting out and about for a second date. Doing something that involves more than just sitting down together will allow you to get to know the person you’re seeing in a different way, because you’ll get to see how they deal with navigating life more than you would at a table in a bar.
Hikes make great second dates, as do days at the beach, or organized sporting activities like mini golf or one-on-one basketball.
Doing something fun also keeps the tone of your date lighthearted, which gives you a great opportunity to get to know your date’s sense of humor better.
It can also be less intimidating to agree to play badminton together than to get dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant with someone you still don’t know that well.
9. Organize something based on your date’s interests
If you think you might want a second date, pay attention to what your date says about what they like to do when you first meet them. Organize something that reflects their interests. They will be moved that you listened and that you took the time to schedule something with their enjoyment in mind.
Did your date talk about their passion for mountain climbing when you first met up? Did they tell you stories about how their favorite thing to do is go to the library and walk around the philosophy aisles?
Whatever it is, tailoring the plan for a date to things the person you’re asking out likes will surely go down well.
Organizing something unconventional based on the specific preferences of the person you are seeing is a great way to show your care.
10. Don’t be too serious
Even if you feel there is potential for a serious future with the person you’re seeing, don’t ask them out in a way that makes what you’re doing seem like a massive and scary step. Instead, keep the tone light-hearted. If you like to joke around a lot, don’t be afraid to joke around before asking for a second date.
If one of the things the person you’re seeing likes about the time you spend together is your witty rapport, then don’t lose this right before asking them whether they want to go out with you. And just know that when building rapport, sometimes less is more.
If you suddenly become too serious, you will probably make the person you’re asking out feel awkward and nervous.
Just ask the question as you would any other! It is just a question after all.
11. Don’t apply pressure
Don’t make the person you’re asking out feel like you will be angry with them if they say no. Make it clear that you are just asking a question, which they are completely at liberty to say either yes or no to. Make it clear with your body language and attitude that they do not owe it to you to make you happy.
The worst thing someone can feel when they’re being asked out is that they will be resented if they say no.
The truth is, you don’t want to go out with someone if they don’t want to go out with you, so make sure they feel free to turn you down.
That said, if they feel like their decision will be respected either way, and that saying no won’t negatively impact your friendship, they will be more likely to say yes.
How to ask for a second date over text
Greet the person and ask how they’re doing. Then express how much you enjoyed the first date. Tell them you would like to see them again and propose doing something specific. Ask them if they would be interested and, if so, when they are free. Include emojis to lighten the mood of your text messages.
While it is always nicer to ask someone on a date in person, the reality of life is that we are all busy, and many of us now use texting to communicate in the same way that people used to use phone calls.
So, there is nothing inherently wrong with asking for a second date over text. Hopefully you’ll elicit an “aww” response.
Greet them kindly and ask how they are to establish whether it is a good time to ask them out. Tell them what you liked about your first date and then propose a plan for getting together again.
Don’t spam message them once you’ve asked the question. Wait for them to respond before you text again.
Include a smiley emoji to show that you are excited about the possibility of seeing them again, but also to convey that there will be no hard feelings if they can’t.
How to ask for a second date without sounding desperate
Avoid saying too much when you ask someone for a second date. Express that you want to get to know them better and offer a clear proposal for when to get together and what to do. Appear confident in what you have to offer and then wait for a response without trying to convince the person you’re asking out to say yes.
Make sure that when you are asking someone out, you aren’t offering them too many disclaimers.
Never say, “But don’t worry if you can’t, it’s not a big deal.” Instead, once you have asked the question, let it be.
Also, don’t express too many feelings too early. If you begin asking someone on a second date by telling them you think you’re falling in love with them, they will probably be a little freaked out and will be far less likely to say yes.
Make it seem like going out with them again is something you would like to do, but that it won’t be the end of the world if they don’t feel the same.
Hey, it’s me, Steven. Dating and relationships have always fascinated me. On Dategosu, you will find my best tips to make sure your next date is a great success!