Breakups are always difficult. How do you go from being someone’s partner, lover, and best friend to being total strangers?
There is no right way to manage the transition from “taken” to “single”, and everybody struggles to find their feet again after the end of a relationship.
While some people choose to try to remain friends with their exes, others decide to cut off all contact. Whichever route you and your ex decided to take, you are bound to feel something if their name pops back up in your notifications.
19 ways to respond to an ex asking how you are
- Hey [insert name]. It’s really nice to hear from you. I’m doing okay, I’ve been trying to keep my head down and focus on work. How are you?
- Hey! Nice to see your name pop up on my phone. I’m not too bad, how are you doing?
- Hi! I’m glad you reached out. I’m good. How are things with you?
- Hey [insert name]. I’m alright. It’s been a difficult few weeks. How are you?
- Hi! This is a nice surprise, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you. I’m doing well, thanks. How have you been?
- Hi. I’m still having a hard time processing what happened between us. I think it would be best for me if we didn’t talk just yet. I’ll get in touch when I’m ready.
- Hey. I appreciate you reaching out, but I’m still feeling really sad. I hope you’re well, I just don’t think I’m in a place to start talking again yet.
- Sorry to be blunt, I’m just still really upset about how we ended. I think I need a bit more time to figure things out before we start talking again.
- Hi! It’s nice to hear from you. How are you?
- What a pleasant surprise! I’m doing well. How are you?
- I’m good! How are you? I’m so glad you reached out and I would love it if we could be friends. You are very important me and just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean we can’t still talk.
- I’m doing well. How are things with you? It’s so nice to still be able to talk to each other as friends.
- Hi. I appreciate your message, but I think it would be best if we didn’t have contact with each other anymore.
- Hey. It’s nice of you to want to reach out, but I’ve already told you I don’t want to keep talking to you. Please don’t text me again.
- Hi [insert name]. I’m glad you texted. I have been reflecting on my behavior at the end of our relationship and I wanted to apologize to you. I think we made the right decision to go our separate ways, but I am truly sorry for how I acted. I genuinely wish you all the best.
- Hi. Thanks for reaching out. I’m okay, but I realize that I still don’t really understand what happened at the end of our relationship. Do you think we could meet up to talk it through? I think getting some closure would really help me move on.
- Hi, I’m doing alright. How are you? I really hope you’re keeping well. Just know that even though we didn’t work out, I care about you very much and wish you all the best.
- Hey! I’m doing alright. It’s great to hear from you and I’m so glad that we can be friends. How are you?
- Hey, I’m glad you reached out. I’m doing alright. I feel like there are some things about the end of our relationship that it would be good to talk through in person. Would you be up for meeting up sometime? I think it would help both of us move on.
How to respond to your ex if you want them back
There is nothing harder than missing an ex after a breakup and wishing you were still together.
Whether you ended the relationship and now regret it, or whether they broke up with you and you are heartbroken, receiving a message from them is bound to bring back a flood of emotions.
If you broke up with your ex and now regret it, make sure you don’t jump right back in. Even if you want to try to get back together, make sure you think carefully about what you say before getting their hopes up.
You surely had reasons for breaking up with them and it would be unfair to lead them on again only to remember why it didn’t work out and break their heart for a second time.
If you do think you want to re-establish contact and see whether you can make a go of it again, start slow.
The best thing to do is send a warm but cautious message.
Examples:
- Hey [insert name]. It’s really nice to hear from you. I’m doing okay, I’ve been trying to keep my head down and focus on work. How are you?
- Hey! Nice to see your name pop up on my phone. I’m not too bad, how are you doing?
- Hi! I’m glad you reached out. I’m good. How are things with you?
If your ex broke up with you and you miss them, you should be equally cautious when you text them, as you don’t want to get hurt again yourself.
Take your time before responding. If you are hoping to work things out with them, leave room for the conversation to develop naturally, but don’t be come on too strong.
Examples:
- Hey [insert name]. I’m alright. It’s been a difficult few weeks. How are you?
- Hi! This is a nice surprise, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you. I’m doing well, thanks. How have you been?
How to respond to your ex if you are angry
If your relationship did not end on good terms, you are not alone. Breakups almost always involve heightened emotions of one kind or another.
Perhaps your ex betrayed you. Maybe they cheated on you or hurt you in some other way. Or maybe you feel like they handled the breakup badly and treated you unfairly.
Whatever the situation, you broke up for a reason and you do not owe them your time anymore.
The most important thing to remember if an ex you are angry at texts you, is to keep your cool. Saying something harsh in the heat of the moment is never the answer.
Instead, take your time. You do not have to respond right away. Take a walk and reflect on what you really want to say.
If you don’t want to speak to them right now, the best thing to do is to answer politely and let them know this. Telling them that you will get in touch when you are ready is a great way to respect both their and your feelings.
Examples:
- Hi. I’m still having a hard time processing what happened between us. I think it would be best for me if we didn’t talk just yet. I’ll get in touch when I’m ready.
- Hey. I appreciate you reaching out, but I’m still feeling really sad. I hope you’re well, I just don’t think I’m in a place to start talking again yet.
- Sorry to be blunt, I’m just still really upset about how we ended. I think I need a bit more time to figure things out before we start talking again.
How to respond to your ex if you want to be friends
You may genuinely be happy to hear from your ex. After all, you spent a lot of time together and know each other very well. Even if it didn’t work out romantically, that doesn’t mean you can’t still be in each other’s lives.
The most important thing to remember if you think you want to be friends with your ex, is that they have to be on the same page for a friendship to work.
If they have hopes for something more and you establish a friendship, it may be hard for them because they will constantly be reminded of what you used to have.
So, if an ex reaches out to ask how you are and you want to establish a friendship, the most important thing is to be clear about your intentions.
Example:
- Hi! It’s nice to hear from you. How are you?
- What a pleasant surprise! I’m doing well. How are you?
If you worry that your ex may want more than friendship, you could answer their text by being clear that you no longer want to be romantic, but that you still value them very highly.
Example:
- I’m good! How are you? I’m so glad you reached out and I would love it if we could be friends. You are very important me and just because we didn’t work out romantically doesn’t mean we can’t still talk.
- I’m doing well. How are things with you? It’s so nice to still be able to talk to each other as friends.
How to respond to your ex if you want to cut off contact
Sometimes a relationship ends badly and we want absolutely nothing to do with our previous partner.
Whether there was an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, they cheated on you, or you simply realized that you held deeply incompatible values, there is a long list of valid reasons why you might not want an ex-partner in your life anymore.
If this is the case, receiving a message from them might come as a shock or even be distressing.
It is important not to answer in haste. You do not owe your ex an immediate response and you will probably feel better about your answer if you give yourself enough time to think about what you really want to say to them.
The crucial thing in a situation like this is to be crystal clear about your intentions. Telling your ex in no uncertain terms that you do not want to have contact with them anymore is the best way to avoid them getting in touch in the future.
Example:
- Hi. I appreciate your message, but I think it would be best if we didn’t have contact with each other anymore.
- Hey. It’s nice of you to want to reach out, but I’ve already told you I don’t want to keep talking to you. Please don’t text me again.
Alternatively, if they have really treated you badly and you feel like you have already made your desire to cut off contact clear, it is fine to simply not respond.
How to respond to your ex if you feel guilty
One of the hardest situations to be in is feeling guilty about how you handled a breakup. Maybe you cheated on your partner or feel like you hurt them in some other way.
You may know that they are really struggling to cope with the breakup. Even if you know you don’t want to be together, it can still hurt to know they are sad.
If your ex texts you to ask how you are doing when you are feeling guilty about how things ended, you have to be careful not to lead them on to make yourself feel better.
The best thing to do is to offer a sincere apology without getting their hopes up that you might change your mind about ending the relationship.
Example:
- Hi [insert name]. I’m glad you texted. I have been reflecting on my behavior at the end of our relationship and I wanted to apologize to you. I think we made the right decision to go our separate ways, but I am truly sorry for how I acted. I genuinely wish you all the best.
How to respond to your ex if you want closure
Sometimes when a relationship is over, you find yourself ruminating for weeks about why it ended. What went wrong?
Was it something you did? Did they meet someone else? How did things go from being so good to being so bad?
If your ex texts you to ask how you are and you feel that you won’t be able to move on until you get answers about why the relationship ended, it is fair to let them know that you need closure.
Why not suggest meeting up in person to discuss the end of your relationship? Telling them you don’t fully understand what happened and that you think closure would help you move on is a great way to establish the terms of meeting up.
Example:
- Hi. Thanks for reaching out. I’m okay, but I realize that I still don’t really understand what happened at the end of our relationship. Do you think we could meet up to talk it through? I think getting some closure would really help me move on.
How to respond to your ex if you are worried about them
Breakups are hard on everyone. That said, they do hit some people harder than others.
It can be tricky to feel happy about the decision to breakup with your ex while also knowing that they are struggling to cope.
If your ex reaches out to ask how you are and you know they are having a difficult time, the most important thing is to show compassion.
Assume a friendly but clear line. Make sure you are not causing them any more hurt. Be aware that your ex will probably be feeling vulnerable and will probably scrutinize your answer carefully.
Example:
- Hi, I’m doing alright. How are you? I really hope you’re keeping well. Just know that even though we didn’t work out, I care about you very much and wish you all the best.
- Hey! I’m doing alright. It’s great to hear from you and I’m so glad that we can be friends. How are you?
How to respond to your ex if there is something you need to tell them
Sometimes when relationship ends, we feel that there is something we must tell our ex-partner.
Something may have happened during the course of your relationship that it would be best if they found out from you. If you cheated on them and want to come clean, or if you left them for someone else, you may feel that it is only fair to tell them this.
It may also be that your partner helped you out during a difficult period and you want to make sure that they know that even though you broke up, you are grateful for the support they gave you.
It is also possible that something happened after your relationship ended that you feel it is only fair for them to know about.
For example, if you broke up a few weeks ago and you have begun a new relationship with someone they know, it is best to tell them this yourself, rather than for them to find it out from another source.
Whatever it is that you need to tell your ex, if they reach out to ask you how you are, you can use this as an opportunity to suggest getting together to talk things through.
The fact that an ex reaches out is often an indication that they are not quite ready to move on and this may be because they need closure. It is only kind to give them this.
Example:
- Hey, I’m glad you reached out. I’m doing alright. I feel like there are some things about the end of our relationship that it would be good to talk through in person. Would you be up for meeting up sometime? I think it would help both of us move on.
Hey, it’s me, Steven. Dating and relationships have always fascinated me. On Dategosu, you will find my best tips to make sure your next date is a great success!